Do you ever long to do something, but it keeps not happening? Look for the part of you that doesn’t have the same agenda.
Inner conflict often gets in the way of our best intentions. When we can’t follow through on what we want to do, there’s usually a part of us with a different set of values. It’s time to get curious!
A software manager I’ll call Linda struggled with a dysfunctional team. Her stress was so severe that she developed neck problems. But no matter how much she wished to change things at work, she couldn’t bring herself to take corrective action.
I invited Linda to get curious about any part of her that had a hidden agenda to not follow her wish, and engage in some internal dialogue.
Through this internal dialogue process, Linda discovered what was causing her resistance, and was able to take the necessary action to resolve her stress.
An abbreviated summary of these inner conversations went something like this:
Linda: I’d like to talk to the part of me that doesn’t want me to be stronger with my team.
Part: Yeah, it’s me. What do you want?
Linda: Who are you? What is your role in my life?
Part: You could call me the “likeable manager.” It’s my job to make sure that everyone likes you on your team. We don’t want to be like our boss who can get really angry and upset people.
Linda: So, being friendly is more important than publishing that software?
Likeable Manager: Of course! It’s very important that you are well liked, because that’s the best type of manager. Then you can feel accepted and safe and relaxed.
Linda: Well, do you think I feel safe and relaxed these days?
Likeable Manager: Actually, no, now that you mention it.
Linda: Is there a better way to meet that goal?
Likeable Manager: Hmm. I understand the situation better now. I really do want you to feel accepted and safe and relaxed. How can we do that?
Linda: I remember now that my boss did tell me to stop trying to please everyone all of the time. He said it just isn’t possible. And while he’s a bit too gruff for me, I appreciate how he sets clear expectations in a way that inspires me. I like knowing what’s expected of me.
Likeable Manager: That sounds interesting. Maybe I could become the “inspiring manager” instead. Would that work?
Linda: That sounds much more doable. What would that look like?
Inspiring Manager: It would take some investigation and further conversations with you, but we could give it a try.
Linda: I love this! Let’s do that. Thank you, Inspiring Manager!
What parts of you might be stopping you from taking your next important step? What would happen if you approached them with curiosity rather than frustration?