As we move more and more into living our purpose, it is not uncommon to begin to experience resistances and a stronger level of fear, especially those arising from our childhood wounding. Things begin to or continue to trigger us, situations arise that make us angry, put us into despair, cause inertia, and throw us into judgement about someone else’s behavior. One of the many ways to work with this is to begin the inquiry into the various parts of ourselves.
I’ve been taking a class on working with the Shadow aspects of self. The Shadow includes aspects of ourselves that we never knew about, (a frequent occurrence of this is our own brilliance, gifts and talents) and aspects that were too painful to experience so we buried them within our psyche. In the class, we are encouraged to find the methods of expression that we don’t identify with or resisted and then interject a small dose of that into our lives. The intention is to provide breadth to our ability of expressing ourselves. If we allow ourselves to open to them, even the most heinous of behaviors have some positive traits to them. (This is not to say that one should adopt those behaviors). So, I was looking at my atrophied, nearly non-existent Drama Queen. She was definitely not encouraged to come out and play during my childhood, or even adulthood. I had some deep seeded roots that a Drama Queen is really out to get attention, and as a result “overdoes it” so she can make an impact. That behavior was anathema to me. At the same time, I was depriving myself of a “bigness of expression” – that ability to come into a room and allow my presence to emanate more fully rather than hiding out under the “peace and calm” exterior by not making waves.
In early May, I was helping a friend move. During the move, she fell off a step stool, and fractured her tibia in three places. (For you medically-minded/curious individuals, it was a Schatzker IV fracture, typically seen in auto and motorcycle accidents.) This resulted in 3 hospitals and 8 hour ambulance ride before admittance; 2 surgeries; and 3 weeks in the hospital and rehab center approximately 3 hours from home. In early June, her house-mate went on a pre-planned vacation, and I stepped forward to do the home care.
And now, for some fun, my caretaking experience, through the perspective of my emerging Drama Queen.
Well, HERE I AM!!!! Oh, wait, let me see that NASTY KNEE. OMG!!! It looks like the size of a softball, no maybe a basketball, no maybe a small planet. I think Pluto is a small planet. It must HURT like HELL! I hope they have given you really big horse-pill tranquilizers to knock you out. What?!?! You want to GET OFF drugs?! YOU MUST BE NUTS!!!
ICE BOTTLES in your rehab machine??!! Sure, I can do that. OMG, these ice bottles are COLD. I need friggin’ GLOVES to carry them around. I’m sure I’ll get FREEZER BURN they are so cold. That ice bucket is really WET – maybe I should shrink myself and then I could make it a POOL and COOL OFF!!!
You need help with your SHOWER?! OMG, do you think I’m a NURSE OR SOMETHING? I DON’T KNOW HOW to do that. What if I do something that would HURT YOU?!!! I can’t stand the thought of THAT. Maybe I SHOULD TAKE THOSE PAIN PILLS. MAYBE, I should just crawl in with you and COOL MYSELF OFF.
FOOD? COOK DINNER??!!! Well one thing is for sure, I could probably lay things out on the counter and they would COOK THEMSELVES since it is so BLOODY HOT in here. I CAN’T IMAGINE turning on the flame and adding to the heat. I need a HUGE FAN in here as it is. Why in the hell didn’t you buy a house with AIR-CONDITIONING? You KNOW how HOT it can get at this time of the year. You’d think I was IN HELL ALREADY since it is so hot OUTSIDE – well INSIDE too. I’m probably going to DIE!!!
GO DOWN THE RAMP IN YOUR WHEELCHAIR!?!? OMG, it is SOOOO NARROW!!!! What if I FELL OFF of IT???? I’ll just CLOSE MY EYES so I don’t have to LOOK – oh WAIT, I CAN’T DO THAT!!!!! I’ll just have to take some DEEP BREATHS and CALM MYSELF FIRST. OMG, OMG!!! I’M SURE something will happen and then it will be ALL MY FAULT. I SHOULDN’T BE ASKED to do something as risky as this.
OMG!!!! I can’t believe what a DAY I HAVE HAD!!!! So OVER the TOP with THINGS THAT SCARE THE PANTS OFF ME, HEAT and CRAZINESS. WHAT the HELL was I THINKING when I said YES to THIS!!!????
Now, returning to my calm, quiet, fairly steady demeanor – all went well, and the patient is steadily recovering, in fact she will begin to put some weight on her leg in a couple of weeks. It wasn’t nearly as dramatic as the Drama Queen would lead us to think. Pretty “dull and boring” in comparison.I am finding a couple of things in playing with this energy: 1) when I use it, I feel lighter and more playful; 2) that it can be a tool to inject some levity and relaxation when dealing with an “issue.” It is even more fun if I get others to play along with me.
Who do you need to let out to play in your life?